2nd Wind, April 2000
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
My friend, Tytti (pronounced "Tow-tee." I thought I'd better clear that up so this wouldn't be X-rated) writes from Italy, "You have this enormous capacity to express yourself even when you have nothing to say." I hope that was a compliment. Beth once lived in Sacramento with an assortment of interesting people. One of the women commented, "I hate to write letters. There's never anything to write about," and Beth answered, "That never stops my mother." That ability, if such it is, will be put to a test this month.
The only newsworthy event was a sad one, and 2nd Wind is supposed to be upbeat. Our dog, Max, had to be euthanized. Max spent more time with "Grandma" than at home. I don't flatter myself he preferred me to Beth, but I was far more generous with treats. When he was here I'd tell myself how much simpler my life would be without a dog for a boss, but now he is gone, I really miss him. Most of all I miss his snoring. Max was a world class snorer, as had been George, and my parents before him. I now have no snoring to listen to (since I don't hear my own), except for one cat, BeBe. And although she snores magnificently for a cat, it simply doesn't fill the sound void. This, however, is not an invitation to ship me anything that snores, for I've learned if it snores, it has to be fed and picked up after.
My favorite snoring story, and I am repeating myself...but most of you wouldn't know it, is about Steven. Pat and Irv brought him to visit when he was about three. He slept in the room shared by Beth and my mother (Steven's great-grandmother). Now, that lady could have taken top honors in any snoring competition. In the middle of the night a wide-eyed Steven came running into his parents' room, and blurted, "There's a BEAR in my room."
An E-mail from Aila in Finland says, "Our cats are doing fine. Last week we took all our carpets to cleaner's and knew of course it was only question of time when first furry pukes would land on those clean smelling carpets. Next day it started and I guess all four have now given a sample-- I don't get it why it has to be a soft surface, why doesn't the plain floor do?" I replied, "Don't ask me!" Just that morning at 5:30 I'd awakened to the music no cat owner wants to hear, "uuurrrRPPP.' I'd pretended not to hear it, head under the covers, but paid later by having to wash the top layers of bedding on the other twin bed. Why do we put up with it? A warm body on your lap while reading is such cozy company, unless said warm body is stalking back and forth between you and the book.
For a long time we have had a mischievous porch visitor at night. I presumed it was a raccoon because he not only cleaned out every crumb of the cat food (which none but a starving cat would deign to do) but he tossed the dishes over the porch rail and rearranged the bricks intended to keep the dishes in place. The mischief has stopped but we still had an anonymous freeloader. I dubbed him Toby, courtesy of Shakespeare (to be or not to be our cat). Now that Max is gone, "Toby" has appeared -- a long haired orange cat-person of the overfed variety. I learned today, to my relief, he belongs to a neighbor, who apparently isn't feeding him up to his standards.
Visiting Thelma and Murrel this Spring has been special. They had a lawn full of violets, wonderfully fragrant as well as colorful. They also have peacocks who saunter across the road ahead of us, full of self-importance and arrogantly assured we'll wait for them. The biggest attraction, though, is the orphaned twin kids (of the goat variety) in a box in their kitchen. Beth took Stefan there at feeding time, quite an experience for a city boy. As he took over the bottle duties he found baby goats can be very energetic when pursuing a bottle.
I was reminded of Miss White. This is, again, a re-run, but I TOLD you there was no new news. I first saw Miss White over 60 years ago when she came to the ranch to make a phone call... a frazzled-looking, middle-aged woman who resembled a bag lady in attire and a member of the British royal family in speech. I overheard her side of the phone conversation, obviously speaking to a medical person, starting with, "One of my kids is sick," and after a summary of symptoms, ending with "I really don't want to shoot him." Believe me, by then she had my full attention. No one had bothered to tell me she was known as "the goat lady" and the "kid" was indeed a kid, not a child. George's mother introduced us, saying, "This is my daughter in law, Darlys." Miss White seized rapturously on the name, "Darlys...Darlys...what a beautiful name. Do you mind if I name one of my kids after you?" I was still a bit befuddled, but since she was a little old for child-bearing, I was beginning to figure it out, and I accepted the honor as offered. It's possible Murrel and Thelma's twins have a great, great (an infinite number of greats in 60 years), grandmother named Darlys. Does that make them relatives of Beth's?
Peacocks are beautiful, but really noisy. If you've never heard their raucous cries you can't fully appreciate the story Beth told me as we waited for their parade to cross the street. A Denny's restaurant between here and San Francisco had a problem with motorhomes, etc. using their back parking lot overnight. The manager didn't want to antagonize the tourist trade by asking them to move on, but he did need the parking spaces for in-and-out customers. He solved the problem by importing pet peacocks....messy and LOUD.
I seem to have specialized in the animal kingdom today, so I'll give you some little boy stories. My almost cousin, Daphne (well, she married my cousin's widower) once wrote, "I do enjoy the things children say and have a few gems of my own from when David was small. One day I was standing at the sink and Dave was eating breakfast when he said 'Mama, what's Nitwit Ten Oz?' He was five and just learning to read, but I had to turn around and see him holding a box before I knew it was Nt. Wt. 10 oz. When he was seven Dave had to have his tonsils out. I left his hospital room for a few minutes and when I returned Dave was lying there very angry, 'The Doctor,' he said, 'promised not to give me a shot but that nurse came in and gave me one. I think it was a laxative.' I told him I didn't think they'd give him a laxative just then, but he countered, 'Oh yes, Mama, I think it was because she said it was to make me relax.'"
I just spilled a glass of prune juice. As I cleaned up the mess, I was aware if George were still here he would do it for me. I don't know when it started or who started it, but if one of us had a mishap and it was apparent to the other it was a "this is the last straw" situation, the other took over. It was another way of saying, "I love you."
Show love for someone today...a phone call, a card, a hug, a sympathetic pat, an uninterrupted "listen." There's some way each of you can reach out. DO it.
Peace, Darlys
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A newly-discovered chapter in the book of Genesis has provided an answer to "Where do pets come from?"' Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new I animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of mine, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them and they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll, tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."'
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "'I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked "No Refills."
-Jim Vick, Verona, Italy
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