Beth and Ed won't soon forget this year's Mothers' Day.  They were heading out for an afternoon shopping trip, and were already in the car when each of them remembered a reason to go back into the house.  Beth went first, raising the garage door to enter through the garage to the kitchen. Their dog, Saki, had been left in the garage.  As Ed followed Beth, he saw movement on the garage floor and, after a quick look, realized Saki had been sharing her space with a rattlesnake. Ed yelled at Beth to get Saki in the house, while he became the Terminator.  They carefully checked the dog and she didn't have any visible marks or any evidence of tender spots, so they went on with their shopping trip. When they got home an hour and a half later, Saki's lip was badly swollen and she was very quiet.  They quickly phoned the Vet and drove as fast as possible without attracting the law (especially since Ed, in the excitement, had left his driver's license home).They were feeling terribly guilty for not having realized Saki wouldn't show symptoms right away.  Fortunately the Vet had anti-venom ready and Saki didn't have a bad reaction to it.  She spent a night in the hospital and came home her usual over-spirited self.  As well as a memorable experience it carried a memorable price tag.

A woman, whom Beth guessed to be in her seventies, came into the art gallery to browse.  She saw a ceramic pin which the artist had decorated with the face of a Siamese cat.  The lady commented to Beth, "That looks just like my cat." From Beth's reply, the customer must have realized she was talking to a fellow cat-lover (or "sucker") and she happily launched into the history of her cat. She said her Siamese had been a feral cat, but had become sweet and loving in the interaction with her.  However, two different Vets have requested she not return to them with this cat.  When the 2nd Vet banned her pet, she was quite concerned until she realized, "There are a lot of different Veterinary hospitals within driving distance. I'll just go to a different one each time." With that solved for real medical emergencies, she still had to figure out how to trim Puss's nails. She dug out a padded, long sleeved hunting jacket, leather pants and garden gloves. When the time comes that she can postpone the operation no longer, she puts on the gear, gets down on the floor, traps the cat between her knees and proceeds. She says it works. I'll take her word for it.

That reminded me of an un-named senior member of our family who realized, after she was widowed, that she had never pumped gas.  She wasn't really anxious to learn how, either.  The first time she had to fill up, she told the cashier she didn't know how to fill the tank, so a young clerk came out and showed her.  That was so easy, she is still making the rounds of the large urban area where she lives. At each different station, someone shows her how to fill the tank.  Her husband has been gone several years, but she hasn't run out of stations yet.

Mothers' Day cards are certainly different from the ones I bought my mother. I still appreciate a sentimental one as much as ever, but those of the new breed do give me a chuckle. This year's card from Beth had a photo of a white-haired lady in blue jeans and a flannel shirt, breaking up her patio with a jackhammer, and the caption read "Motherhood is not for sissies."  From my other daughter, Fraulein, (with the assistance of my tenant, Robert) "I love you very much, which is why I am sending you this Mothers' Day card even though it is a difficult thing to do since I am a cat. I know you love and cherish me also, but a rumor has surfaced and I need reassurance that it isn't so.  Please tell me I wasn't adopted."

            Blessings,    Darlys
           ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help. "Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss. The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies."

In a hospital's Intensive Care ward, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pooch Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

(In the face of rising medical costs, I'm happy to share these home remedies which have been passed on to me.)
 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she quickly pulled a towel over her rear.  "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?"  Sarah asked with indignation, "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."  "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man, "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

John had been standing in the dark and dank cellar for well over an hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe. The water continued to spurt between his fingers. His shoes were soggy. He was relieved to hear Jill call down the cellar stairs, "Honey, you can take your hands off that leak now." John shouted, "Thank God, the plumber has finally come."  "Not exactly," Jill yelled back. "The house is on fire."

2004 2nd Wind Issue Index