2nd Wind, October 2004
"Comedy is tragedy plus time"
- Carol Burnett -
Nobody has asked me, "How was your Labor Day holiday?" but I'm going to tell you anyway. Three weeks earlier, I had bumped my leg, resulting in a deep bruise which caused an impressive discoloration from just below the knee to the ankle. Since I'd also been indulging in migraines, I didn't get out socially enough to properly display it for the purpose of attracting sympathy. Just before the holiday weekend, the leg started to be painful and I checked in at the Dr.'s. The nurse practitioner decided I had developed cellulitis and she prescribed an antibiotic, to be taken four times a day. I was also to put warm packs on the leg five times a day, I was already eating six small meals a day, for medical reasons, not appetite. Add to that Fraulein's insulin shots twice a day, my other medications three times a day and checking the church answering machine four times a day.
The antibiotic, which was supposed to travel to my infected leg, apparently found more interesting territory in my disposal system and I developed a first class case of bathroom overkill. The suggested remedy, Immodium A-D, stopped the flood, but seemed to do it with a concrete plug. So, there I was, on Labor Day weekend, with a headache, trying to decide whether I had a toothache or an earache, and with stomach growling as I did my rounds of snacking, pilling, soaking and shooting. I had my knee propped up and was listening to TV when the picture went out. There still was sound, so I continued listening until the station corrected the problem. After more than enough time, I tried to tune to another station. No luck. That, of course, had to be the fault of the remote control. New batteries would fix it. It takes two AAA batteries. I had one.
Beth and Ed were working at her place, so she came over. She greeted me with, "There's an electrical smell in here"....not what I wanted to hear. I also hadn't wanted to hear the popping noise I'd heard in the TV which wasn't part of the program. Ed came and tried to revive the set by pushing the actual buttons one forgets even exist. It coughed and died. Now, what kind of a holiday was that?
Before they left, Beth and Ed brought a small TV over from her place. The next day, they found an unbelievable bargain in a new one of a recognized brand, which they installed. It got three of the six stations I'm used to receiving. In desperation, I suggested Beth and Ed take the instructions home to read. For me to have read them would be a waste of time. I'm convinced that part of my brain has atrophied after living over 63 years with a competent electrician.
The next evening, the phones went dead. This not only left me incommunicado phone-wise, but without Email or Lifeline; practically back to the dark ages of the first third of my life when I'd never heard of TV, Email or Lifeline. How come I was happy then? Again, Beth came to the rescue, lending me her cell phone, and having my calls re-routed to it. I was acutely aware, tho, of her precious cell phone minutes I was using.
The phone repair man came early the next morning. The phones, which had been silent at 11:00 the night before, were working; probably having healed themselves when they saw his truck drive up. Meantime, Evan had told Beth how to access the three evasive channels, giving the new TV a gold medal... If it lasts as long as it's predecessor, it may outlast me.
We lost another long time family member this month. Although only 29 years old, it was really time. Since Beth and Ed had purchased a new car, our Volvo, "Old Faithful," was surplus. It was purchased within hours of being put out for sale, and the new owner seemed to appreciate it as much as we had. It was our substitute when one of the regulars was in for service, and hadn't let us down yet.
Beth has been enjoying the friendship of one of her wholesale customers, Wilma, who currently has a pet tomato worm. While doing the daily tomato harvest Wilma really looked at a worm, which was waiting to greet her, and realized what a beautiful and articulated little creature it was. She took it inside and put it in a shoebox for more observation. Reference books were brought out. Then the worm disappeared. A sad Wilma realized the little worm was in jeopardy in an alien territory, so an intense search was launched. Husband Mike found Wanda, the wanderer, underneath the table where the shoebox had been. Having wised up on tomato worms, Wilma realized her pet was probably ready to move on to the next stage. She provided the dirt and Wanda has disappeared, hopefully pupating. Mike has been videotaping progress so far and they are looking forward with excitement to the spectacular moth Wanda promises to become.
CaroI H., a 2nd Wind reader, wrote: "I saw my Dr. just after your birthday and explained that I wanted a similarly festive celebration for my OWN 90th birthday and was holding him responsible for my health so I could celebrate. He said his oldest patient is 107. He first examined her when she was 102, and the paperwork he read before opening the door to the examining room said the patient he was about to meet was female, born in '97. (How was he to know that meant 1897?) So, he entered the room looking for a 2-year-old child. When he asked where the child was, his patient answered, 'There's no child, doctor. I'm your patient.'"
The other day I asked myself, "What would I rather be doing than what I can do now?" And I surprised myself by realizing there wasn't a thing. I can't remember a really "down" phase of my life. (If you're a doubter, you'll probably blame my lack of recall on a calcifying brain.) I was a busy and happy child. My high school years, while not exciting, weren't unhappy. My college years were outstanding. I was a happy wife and I cherished motherhood. I enjoyed the business world. But NOW seems to be a reward. I don't have great responsibilities and I have Beth near enough to be in touch daily. I have many friends.
I have minimum household tasks. I can read, and I can write, without feeling guilty to be using my time that way. You, who are still on the treadmill, imagine being able to spend hours, uninterrupted, doing what you want to do. Of course, the secret is to have something you want to do. That's why I'm lucky. I couldn't wish anything better for each of you.
God Bless, Darlys
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IQ test: A deaf mute and a blind man walk into a store. Each wants to buy a pair of sunglasses. The deaf mute gets the clerk's attention, then puts the tips of his first finger and thumb (on each hand) together to make circles. He holds the finger/thumb circles in front of his eyes, then squints as though in the bright sun. The clerk understands and shows him the sunglass display. How does the blind man indicate he, too, wants a pair? Think about it and look for the answer* later.
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
When her little daughter returned from school, Mom asked, "And what did you learn today?" The answer was a shocker, "We learned how to make babies." Mom, keeping her cool, said, "Tell me about it." "It's simple," replied the child, "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
A conscientious citizen was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the correct thing, and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beat the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, swearing in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on the car window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit the car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a police officer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car..."
(*Answer: He opens his mouth and says, "I want to buy a pair of sunglasses.")
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials."
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ..
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Please write to us! 
| ©2004 Colleen Murray, all rights reserved